Sunday, March 22, 2009

Have you ever seen The Perfect Storm?

It never happens. I am never Captain of the Remote. I always pass the controls over-- to DH to the kids.. and even if I insist we watch Dancing with the Stars-- somehow the actual channel changing power goes to someone else. This creates a Flip Scenario. " Oh, I’m just going to flip over on the commercials to check the score." yeah. right. THAT is how I miss half of a Samba. Or- heaven forbid- a Jive. Don't mess with the Jive, People !

The other scenario that occurs I call the Voice Over Strategy. Let's just say - for some bizarre reason- I can actually watch LOST on the living room TV. How this would occur- I don't honestly know-- but maybe it was an all star break. Or Nickelodeon went off the air. Whatever.. I have decided that tonight I am going to watch LOST in the living room instead of on the tiny screen in the Master bedroom. As soon as the show starts the dialog starts: " who is that?" " Don't ask.. it's LOST I can't explain it, you won't get it." " Well this is stupid."

Either of those could be any family member. If it is my husband as the opponent ( because, yes, this is now a battle) he goes into " it's not real you know, like sports. THAT is real.. this is just actors saying things writers tell them."

If it's the Mom vs. Kid all they do is repeat over and over again " I really don't think this is appropriate for me. Is this appropriate ?I‘m going to be scarred. Are you SURE this is appropriate?"

Either way,ultimately I give in, toss the remote to them because I know that even if I can't appreciate Jack in all his hunkiness on the bigger downstairs TV-- I can hear the dialog upstairs. Alone.

Forget watching movies. I never get to pick what I want to see. Ever. That's ok. I had many movie watching years before kids- I'll get them again. One of these days. When I am too old to be able to appreciate them...

The other night was like a Perfect Storm... only without the big wave at the end that killed everyone. My 12 yr old daughter and I went to spend the night at my mother in laws. MIL was going to be out late, and didn't want to come home to an empty house so we volunteered. The perfect part was the Mother in law has 2 decent size TVs. Rebekah went to one to watch i-Wizard and Cody and I got the other. The living room. With comfy sofas. With pay channels.

Now, allow me to backtrack -- we do not have pay channels at our house. My husband gets enough tiers up to get all his ESPORT crap and no more. Even with no pay channels- there are several dozen channels to choose from. Even skipping over those in a language we don’t speak, selling something or news channels-- anyone should be able to find something to watch. If they can’t they should be reading a book. No pay channels at our house.

But Father in Law… he appreciated a good TV lineup. Unless it’s dirty -they have it.

So there I was-- master of the remote. By odd coincidence the HBO movies are starting. I don’t have come in mid movie and try and figure it out. Jumper? That looks good. So I watched it . And you know what.? It wasn’t good . It was AWESOME! Really great, I Can’t Believe I Almost Passed This Up awesome!

When Hayden Christensen does his last jump it’s still early in the evening. Mother in law isn’t home. Rebekah is content . I am going to ride my perfect movie night. If everything has lined up like this I can’t go wrong. I flip through my options and make my decision. A comedy. And it has Jason Segal, Paul Rudd and that cute brunette from That 70’s Show in it. Wohoo! I am Master Movie Picker!

My Perfect choice movie: Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I vaguely remember seeing ads for this a few years ago. That is all I knew.

You know the part in A Perfect Storm when Captain Hottie George Clooney decides to go out farther when all the smart captains are heading away from the storm? Everyone watching screams “ NO Captain Hottie! Go the OTHER WAY! “? If my Perfect Movie Night was an actual film-- you all would be screaming “ NO Susan! Pick Golden Girls! GO QVC!! ANYTHING! NOT Forgetting Sarah Marshall!”

But you all were not with me, I was alone, remember? So I’m watching, and it wasn’t too bad. Maybe a little sophomoric and a bunch of guy jokes but I have some guy in me so I laughed. Then Mother in law come home. I tell her I’m watching a funny movie, go get your jammies on.

While that sweet woman was slipping into her flannels.. My movie changed. Gone was funny, present was two guys demonstrating sex with oversized chess pieces on the beach. They were dressed, I guess it wasn’t so bad. And then, just as Mother in law walks into the room, the guys and the chess pieces are now an actual couple. Neckid.I pretend to be all grown up hoping that was the end of the graphic sex.. “ Oh my! “ I say trying to joke the awkwardness away “ didn’t see that coming.’

Let’s put it this way: The big wave was about to come smacking down on the SS Comfy Sofa. Just as MIL says “ This movie is funny?” TWO ,not one but ,TWO couples are going at it. No secrets. No artsy camera angles. No softening through fluttering curtains. No music, or soft sighing. LOUD AND MESSY sex in 52" of blazing HD glory. It’s like porn-- or, ahem, what I have heard porn must be like. I scream and dive for the remote. Rebekah hears my screams and comes running. I fumble and drop the remote as I am desperately trying to block my 12 yr old from seeing the screen while unsuccessfully trying to convince MIL that it had been a funny movie.

Nobody actually died, but I do believe I wanted to for a moment. The big wave hit and the SS Comfy Sofa didn’t stand a chance.

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